Wednesday, September 24, 2003

In the past when I have to decide what team to barrack for on Grand Final day, I have agonised over the decision (it has not been my team for a VERY long time). Collingwood supporters can be very annoying (apart from you Mr R!), but then so can Lions supporters, so it is a bit hard to choose.

After much deliberation I have developed the perfect system of choosing which team to support. It is rather complicated, but yet beautiful in it’s all encompassing parameters, feel free to adopt and adapt as necessary.

1. Carefully study both teams’ team photos. Rate each team on their looks, particularly how good they look in their shorts. If unsure, you may need to do some further research and watch them playing (TV coverage is fine). Award bonus points for players whose underwear you have seen in particularly rough tackles during the season.

2. Consider your existing wardrobe, and extract all items in the competing teams colours. Couple this with consideration of one’s own hair colour and complexion. If need be, go shopping in a quest for the perfect outfit meeting the colour requirements, yet still adaptable to other situations in the future. Remember that nobody looks good in teal and be thankful that Port Adelaide are no longer in contention. Decide on one outfit for each team, then mark each one out of ten considering comfort, warmth, look, adaptability and cost.

3. Drink eight beers and listen to the two club’s theme songs. Mark each one on which sounds better slurred and yelled out of tune. Award extra points for ridiculous lyrics like “the Premierships a cake walk” which are great to sing and make fun of.

4. Find out who your enemies are barracking for, and award extra bonus points to the other team.

5. Consider the “when they last won a premiership” factor, give bonus points to the team that hasn’t won for the longest.

6. Add up all the points, and then fall asleep with all the effort and the eight beers. Forget which team you decided on, and flip a coin.


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